chikuto:
i feel like i had a massive breakthrough with understanding in hindsight how adhd has affected my relationship with art, and i sat there for about an hour just like
I wanted to expand on this a bit and see if it resonated with any other artists. I do wanna preface, all of this is subjective and just me considering my own experiences. I’m not an expert on ADHD.
A huge part of ADHD, as most people who have it know, is executive dysfunction - which leads to procrastination. To cut several studies short, it basically boils down to a difficulty in regulating emotions around tasks, time management, prioritization, initiation, etc. Its why its so difficult to just get up and do the dishes when you realize it needs doing.
Because this causes us to let people down, struggle to meet deadlines, or overwhelm ourselves with TASK BUILDUP, it all sort of preemptively burdens you with feelings of guilt, shame, and stress when you have a task that needs to be done. Yes, doing the dishes isn’t actually THAT hard, but its never about the difficulty of the task. Just the emotions that have difficulty being regulated around completing it.
Most people get “the good brain feelings” when they successfully complete a task like this. ADHD people rarely do, because its a matter of brute force; so no reward, and even less of an incentive to do it. The reward function in our brains is wired differently.
And that’s where distractability comes in.
Yes, people who struggle with procrastination may put off priority tasks, but most of the time they’re not just sitting idle. They’ll start deep cleaning a room, organizing drawers, catching up on other things that fell to the wayside (thanks to procrastination whoops). I can’t claim to know how the ADHD brain works or the intricacies involved. But I get most things done when I’m procrastinating doing something else important. For some reason, unlike just brute forcing the priority task, the distractions (or “branch tasks” I like to call them) do actually give me the good brain feelings. Is it masking the shame of being unable to complete the big task by completing other low-priority tasks in the meantime? Maybe.
So what does this have to do with art?
For a lot of us, myself included, we started drawing in school. Usually during class. When we had very important priority tasks to focus on. But you know what’s better than learning about Henry VIII? Drawing in the margins of your schoolbook. Art sort of began as a distraction, or “branch task” for when I struggled to complete homework, or pay attention in class. It made me feel good in an environment where I otherwise felt like a failure.
Moving into college, coursework became the priority task for 2 years. That’s when I started my webcomic, and oh boy did I draw a LOT. Probably because I was procrastinating on writing essays that were due the next day. It was always “I’ll just finish colouring this page and THEN I’ll start my essay”.
When I left college and decided to become a freelance artist, I noticed it wassssss a lot harder to get pages done on a weekly basis. I started falling behind. I started getting bogged down with feelings of guilt and stress and shame for letting down readers, for not drawing enough, for - oh fuck you see what happened, art became “the priority task”. Its no longer a “branch task” while I avoid something more important. It BECAME the important thing, and took on the burden of my executive dysfunction’s shame and guilt. And whether I want to or not, my brain is desperately trying to drag me away from these negative feelings.
In my case, at least, I think that’s why it’s been difficult to pick up a pen and draw for the last few years. I finished a contract with [REDACTED BECAUSE NDA], and the entire time I was working with them (unmedicated mind you), I was like “wow i JUST want to work on my webcomic again” (it crept back into “branch task” territory). The second I finished my contract? Boom, all motivation gone. Priority task territory again. Can’t have that.
Do I have an answer for this to repair my relationship with art? Not yet. Not really. There are a lot of other factors as well, not just this. But it’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.
